I wrote a song. Or more accurately I wrote down a song. I don’t think I created it. The Holy Spirit did. The words applied to me for sure and I sang it as I wrote it, but did I write it or write it down?
In either case, I wrote it down in obedience and left it in my devotional notes until the day the Holy Spirit told me to share it to the church I attend online. That sentence makes it sound a whole lot simpler than the reality was. Isn’t it interesting how words clean up a whole lot of mess in just a few words? The Bible is famous for that. Moses can murder an Egyptian in one verse, flee to Midian four verses later (not a short journey), only to be talking to God in a burning bush 40 chronological years later only 12 verses later (Exodus 2:12-3:2). In my case it had been about four months.
By the Holy Spirit told me what I really mean is more a vibe with pictures in my head. I didn’t hear a voice that said, “Send your song to the church music ministry.” I saw the physical copy of my song in my head and felt I needed to send it to Pastor Steven or the church’s email. And it was urgent. I received a spiritual shove to get it done right then during Sunday’s church sermon. I found myself actually exclaiming out loud, “Okay. Okay. I’ll do it.”
I didn’t want to first off. It’s not that I really cared if folks saw it. If anyone saw it as my song, I would think they might be concerned I was not in a great place at the moment. Otherwise, from my side it wasn’t a big deal. I had a little anxiety but not a whole lot because nobody at the church actually knew me since I was and am still a new entry to the efam.
While I continued to watch the sermon Bring it to the Middle, I went on the church website to find a contact email. There is a whole lot going on at this church. There are so many classes, and ministries a person can sign up for. You can even sign up to start your own. However, I couldn’t find a simple contact email.
There was a link to go to each of the pastors’ ministry websites. I clicked to Pastor Steven’s site. And it took a lot of fishing but I found a customer service email address embedded in the social media tags. I wrote a brief story email and attached the song. I felt an urge to keep going so I kept looking.
As I was digging for emails, I also asked where I could send an email on the church chat. I got an answer so I sent it there too.
So done. Simple. Well, it might seem so with this brief retelling. But the process was much more tedious. It took the span of the whole sermon, about a full hour, to find an EMAIL ADDRESS! I’m a fairly good researcher. I’ve designed a few websites. I know where to find email addresses. On an average website it should take less than a minute to find an email address.
During that hour, every dead end lead to one more moment of self-doubt. Every link click, another thought that I was crazy and God isn’t telling me anything. Frustration led to terrible thoughts that I normally do not have about myself.
I’m not good enough. The song is lame. They probably won’t read it anyway. Why would God pick me to write a song? Why would it be useful to anyone? Why am I bothering to do this? This is just your ego trying to be a songwriter. Get over yourself. That ship has sailed.
But I did something I’m surprisingly not used to doing, I combatted the negative thoughts and kept asking God if what I was doing was what he wanted.
I’m not good enough? I didn’t write it.
The song is lame? Holy Spirit wrote it. And it actually is pretty universal.
Why would God pick me to write a song? Why make Noah build an ark? Who am I to question why God does anything?
Why would it be useful to anyone? Why couldn’t it be?
Why am I bothering to do this? Because God told you to.
This is just your ego trying to be a songwriter. Get over yourself. That ship has sailed. Again I didn’t write it, but it is nice to think about it helping someone.
Objectively I was just delivering the song. It isn’t mine to be nervous about. It isn’t me seeking approval for my songwriting. I hadn’t been anxiously awaiting a time to send it in the four months since I wrote it. If I’d felt it was my song, I never would have sent it.
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